gah, I don’t like this. I do in the moment, but seriously.. Every time? I blame myself too but it bugs me when I think about it. I don’t want to ‘play play’ every time we hang out. I want to feel wanted in other ways too. You’ve told me I am… But now to prove it? And I need to control myself. I would say more.. But I’m really scared you’re going to read this someday.. So we’ll stop it at that, and maybe I’ll delete it later. 

I’m so happy that when I get home, it’s no longer my worst nightmare. My mom being healthier is such a blessing to me. I used to take so much verbal and emotional abuse, because of all the pain she was going through. Two years of my life, I would be so scared to go home every day. I’m so grateful that it’s no longer like that, I’m so happy I don’t have to be scared of not having a lock on my door. My mother and I have never had a good relationship, and probably will never have the best one.. But finally I can be in the same room with her for short periods of time. I remember the screaming matches we had at our old house… The ones where I finally got so fed up with her taking out all her anger and depression on me that I would just snap. I feel so bad for those days. The couple horrible memories where I screamed at her so loud I’m positive the neighbors heard everything I would say. I would tell her how messed up in the head she was, and how she needed help. I would tell her horrible things. Pain makes you do crazy things, and I understand that now.

I love my mother, and I’m lucky to have her. 

I’m looking for harry potter shirts as soon as I get my paycheck…. I wuv him :D

I need to stop worrying, there’s really no point to be worrying at all. I’m getting quite annoyed with myself. I’m already so stressed out with school. So many things are due and I just want to finish out my school year with good grades. Why can’t school just end right now, or at least when the other schools end. I’m ready to take my exams and get Junior year over with. 

I’m so scared. I know that’s kind of dumb. I just don’t want to let this progress if it’s not going to be worth it. I don’t want to waste my time. I don’t want someone to waste my time… & when I say that I mean I don’t want them to end up tearing me down. I don’t want to waste any of my time being depressed. It takes so long to become not depressed, it’s almost like a disease. I’m happy with the way things are going right now but what if it’s all just a lie? I don’t want to become bored of. I don’t want to be used. I hope what others say is not close to being true at all. At the same time I know that I should just do what I normally do and give it all I have, without having any doubts or being worried about anything. It’s just so hard now. 

You do everything I like.

You kiss me at all the right times, not too much not too little.

You play with my hair.

You pull my face towards you to kiss me. 

You pull me closer when I try to get away.

You say the most comforting things. It’s almost like you can read my mind.

You’re an amazing boyfriend.

You’re protective. 

I know I can trust you.

You’re so so so much fun. 

I’m 100% myself around you.

The butterfly’s you give me… are different.

I can’t even explain all the things you do that make me happy. You’re absolutely incredible. It’s only been almost just a month of dating, I really think it’s only going to get better (: 

I like you… Like, a lot. 

I feel good about today. My mother and I went out for brunch, which surprising was a pretty good time. Then I got a card for Joana’s mom, because I felt like she deserved one. Also, I got a card and a flower for Carmen, Cisco’s mom. I’m really happy I got to do that for her, because she deserves it so much. She is such an amazing person, and for two years she was pretty much my mom, with my mother going through the tough time that she was. I miss the Posada family so much. They are such great people. It made my day that as soon as I visited them today I was welcomed into their home just like family, and just like nothing was different. I really wish I could visit them more, and spend time with them. 

Overall, today just made me happy (: 

Without you, I have nothing holding me back. My mind feels so free. I don’t know you anymore. So why do I ever even give my thoughts the time of day for you? It’s a really good question, I can’t ever answer it myself.